I’ve written this post in my head about a million times, I don’t think I could ever be one of those bloggers who writes about their lives or stories or anything else, I’m better at conversations and pictures. I don’t write like I talk often and got in trouble in school because of it many times because my writing voice didn’t sound like my speaking voice! But this post is important. 7 days and I’ve hit every emotion over the course.
Saturday, I had my first wedding of the season that was filled with more love than you can imagine. Love, fun, high energy and good times, no stress at all really. It was wonderful and I’m so happy that I got to be a part of it. It was amazing and emotionally exhausting too! Haven’t I ever told you how emotionally exhausting shooting weddings is? Well, it is. You go through all the feelings of everyone in the room, you have to be on your game to get those and transfer that into pictures. I cry, I laugh, and sometimes cry some more. And yes, I’ve only been caught crying a few times…
On Sunday night, I got an email from my friend Susan, she was part of a photo board that had a member who lives in the Chicago area and her husband was dying, they hadn’t had photos together because of this and their little girl too. I volunteered to go take the photos, knowing that this may be more important than a wedding. I saw Brandi’s blog and read it, I cried, I laughed, I smiled and then I cried some more. Brandi’s strength and uplifting spirit leapt off the page and really made me want to be like her even though the times she was going through was something no one ever should have to. I found out Brandi lived in the northwest suburbs and then found out she lives 15 minutes from me. If you know where I live, you know that’s pretty amazing. We cried again. We set up a time for 9:30am the next Monday. I take off Monday’s after weddings as my Sunday. I answer emails and do housework but generally not a lot of work so I had the day to move things if I needed to. I didn’t sleep well on Sunday to say the least and panicked about if I was able to do the job I needed to, that I knew I could, and that I had to for them (and for me).
On Monday, I got all my gear together. I nervously woke up at 7am and showered immediately, I needed to be ready at any given moment to get there. I decided to shoot with both my cameras, dual shoot because I didn’t want to waste time changing lenses, I also brought a flash but hoped I didn’t have to use it for fear of it triggering something with Scott. I packed everything and tried to busy myself until it was time for me to leave, then I got a text message, their daughter was really sick, had been to the doctor but we’d try again at 3:30pm. I told everyone I knew to pray I could get there by 3:30pm because if I didn’t, I feared it wouldn’t happen. I ended up doing work to occupy my mind from not staring at the clock tick by. No text, phone call, or email so I headed on my way. I felt sick, so I called my good friend Rachel, she gave me the peptalk I needed. I told her, I felt like I was going to throw up, that this was so much pressure and how could I do this? She told me that it wasn’t about what was going to happen, it wasn’t about what was happening to them but it was about their love for each other and that I could show them their souls like I always did, that this was my gift to people. I cried again and said thank you, I needed that because like a true artist, I guess I doubt what I do a lot but to hear that helped me go forward.
I arrived there and didn’t know really what to expect. I hadn’t even talked to Brandi before or even know her! But it was like we were old friends. She let me in the door because I shot Nikon too, we laughed about that. I watched Kate while Brandi got Scott ready for this. I told them to just do what they normally do, we started with reading a book and then just some time together. I spent maybe 30 minutes shooting the family from everyone to Scott and Kate and then Scott and Brandi together. As I left, Scott became tired and couldn’t speak anymore. He mouthed “thank you” to me twice and my heart sung, have you ever seen gratitude in someone’s eyes? I mean deep deep gratitude because that’s what I saw and felt like I hadn’t done anything special. I talked with Brandi for about 20 minutes more, we were old friends, we love Starbucks and cameras and we hugged no less than 4 times before I left.
I got home and downloaded the cards and imported them into Lightroom, I teared up. David had walked into the room and asked about dinner, I said I didn’t feel like cooking so he was welcome to (and really, he cooks most days anyway!). I knew I needed to let the photos sit. So after getting dinner, I fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. I was drained in every sense of the word but the nap recharged me. I was just going to go to bed but decided to head into my office and start on the photos, I knew I could get them out. I pressed on and sent Brandi the email at about midnight. I then freaked out. I have the worst fear that people will hate my photos and these were especially important but she emailed back no less than 30 minutes later saying she loved them and was crying, she hoped Scott made it through the night to see them. He did and they all sat and watched the slideshow on Tuesday morning.
On Tuesday afternoon, Scott passed away. I was shocked. I was just there. I had just taken those photos. I didn’t know what to do but knew that at least he knew he gave his family something to have for the rest of their lives, part of him and them together. If I’m being honest, I still don’t feel like I gave them anything special despite everyone telling me otherwise, but I may never know what I gave them and how deeply appreciative they are of it (which I know they are). I would like to think that if anyone would do the same as I did, they would.
Then on Friday, I spent the day (and I mean day) photographing one of my favorite couple‘s newborn. Little Mr. B had other plans than to sleep for me and I spent a ridiculous amount of time rocking him to try and sleep while chatting with Loretta. It was wonderful to see a new family in motion, from panic to calm to love to laughter. I came home smelling of baby and Isabelle sniffed me over quite well!
So in a week, I went through a lot and learned a lot about myself and the kindness of others. That’s why I’ve been a little missing in action, I apologize, it’s been a week. But despite any condition, there was always love and happiness, what you would expect was something that you couldn’t. You didn’t know how things were going to turn out, you couldn’t force things, you had to be patient. I learned to stop and look at the sunset, and just really look at the sunset. To be present in the moment I was in more. To take a mental picture of things, to be aware of everything. This week was something I needed, it changed me for the better. I’ll leave you with this quote: the best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt within the heart
Kara
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And I concur!
